


ARES III TWITTER TAKEOVER

by mazzawitz



Category: The Martian (2015), The Martian - All Media Types, The Martian - Andy Weir
Genre: F/M, just dorks being dorks online
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 17:24:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6866098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mazzawitz/pseuds/mazzawitz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Ares III crew hosts a Twitter Q&A.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ARES III TWITTER TAKEOVER

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, guys. 
> 
> This mostly started as a joke but then I ended up having too much fun to stop. And a couple hours later, I had this. So consider this a Sunday Funday special treat or something. 
> 
> (FTR: I know the tone of this is very 2016 Twitter, but I can't predict our internet habits in 2035! So roll with it, okay)
> 
> also: h/t to [ purnell (domestichesters)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6702124/chapters/15328348) for some inspo!

### November 21, 2037 | A month away from Earth landing

Ares III @aresiii  
Hi Earth! We’re close enough to tweet in real-time, so we’re doing a Q&A at 11am EST.  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
Ask us questions here or on our personal accounts: @cmdrmlewis @mwatney @MJRMARTINEZ @astrovogel @bjohanssen @christopherbeck  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
We'll respond to as many questions as we can in an hour. Go! 

_________________

betsy @betsyboop  
@aresiii omg hi this is the best i don’t even know what to ask i’m so happy about this i might cry  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@betsyboop Don’t cry!! No crying allowed - RM  
↓  
betsy @betsyboop  
@aresiii OOOOOOMFG CAN I SCREAM INSTEAD  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@betsyboop Screaming is always allowed - RM 

Jacob Rawlins @jacobdrawlins  
@aresiii You guys have been cooped up there a long time. Are you dying to be in the presence of other people besides yourselves?  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@jacobdrawlins I mean, we all have people we miss and can’t wait to see, but hanging out with these guys every day is a pretty sweet gig - MW  
↓  
Rick Martinez @MJRMARTINEZ  
@aresiii @jacobdrawlins speak for yourself bro  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@MJRMARTINEZ @aresiii @jacobdrawlins [middle finger emoji] 

kelsey f. @kelseeyalater  
@cmdrmlewis I pretty much aspire to be you in every way just FYI  
↓  
Melissa Lewis @cmdrmlewis  
@kelseeyalater You are too kind! 

Hannah Rey @heyhannah  
@mwatney if you could have any movie character on board the hermes with you who would you pick?  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@heyhannah Hmm. I’m gonna go with Jason Bourne 

KT @katieinokc  
@bjohanssen hi you’re the fucking coolest and also i think half the guys in my intro to computer science class have a crush on you  
↓  
Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
@katieinokc thanks KT! Say hello to them but tell them they’re a bunch of nerds too 

ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
@aresiii who from the crew throws the most shade?  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@sixdorksinspace Tempted to say Johanssen because she has a way of throwing shade w/o you realizing you’ve been burned til 10 mins later - MW  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@sixdorksinspace But I also think @MJRMARTINEZ is the most ruthless. Excellent question, btw - MW 

Olivia Carrington @livcarrington  
@christopherbeck Hi! I’m a first-year med student at @UofA and haven’t picked a specialization yet. How did you end up w/ aerospace med?  
↓  
Chris Beck @christopherbeck  
@livcarrington In my second year we had a guest lecturer from NASA’s human med division and his presentation completely fascinated me.  
↓  
Chris Beck @christopherbeck  
@livcarrington I always knew I wanted to go into research rather than primary care but after that I was obsessed and never looked back 

dumb af @captainkiersten  
@aresiii ok here’s a question for all of you: what’s ur fave planet  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@captainkiersten ML: Venus, RM: Uranus (idiot), CB: Saturn, AV: Jupiter, BJ (lololol): Neptune, MW aka me: IDK JUST NOT MARS  
↓  
Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
@aresiii @captainkiersten Congrats on being 12 Mark 

Scott Kelly @stationcdrkelly  
Enjoy the remainder of your trip, @aresiii! I miss the spectacular view. What will you miss?  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@stationcdrkelly Thanks, Scott!! I will miss the whole nothing-costing-money thing. But not much else besides the view. - Mark  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@stationcdrkelly Scott, the work you did before us made our trip possible. We will miss the feeling of exploring on behalf of our planet! - ML 

julie @jujubean  
@bjohanssen hi beth! what’s your favorite place on earth?  
↓  
Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
@jujubean hi julie! I’m gonna go with new zealand. only been once but it was incredible 

CAROLINE @heyocaro  
@mwatney who’s everyone’s favorite superhero this is important  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@heyocaro IRON MAN DUH, Lewis says wonder woman, Martinez says Miles Morales, Beck says Hulk (more like Bruce Banner cause he’s a NERD)  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@heyocaro Vogel says Batman and Bethy Jo says Sue Storm (another nerd identifying with a nerd) 

ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
@MJRMARTINEZ did you ever finish balancing your checkbook?  
↓  
Rick Martinez @MJRMARTINEZ  
@sixdorksinspace oh sh*t! Currently more curious about whether or not I have to pay taxes for two years spent in space 

Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome  
Hey @aresiii I have a question for you: You’ll all come on the show once you’re home, right?  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@StephenAtHome I think that’s a unanimous YES from us! - ML 

Mark Watney @mwatney  
Omg I feel like Stephen Colbert just asked me to prom  
↓  
ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
@mwatney dork  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@sixdorksinspace Thank you 

Riley White @andrileyy  
@aresiii What’s all of your favorite things to eat up there?  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@andrileyy we’re all big fans of the mac & cheese. Mark really likes sweet & sour chicken, Vogel likes sausages because DEUTSCHLAND  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii Our good commander says her favorite is the thai curry. Chef curry with the pot, yo - RM 

Tyler J. @tylerj98  
@aresiii I know you have a centrifuge up there so you can walk, but how much stuff do you have to exercise with?  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@tylerj98 Good question. We have two treadmills, lots of weights and yoga balls, etc. A whole portion of the ship is our “gym” - AV 

Allie @alliepally  
@aresiii What’s the funniest thing that’s happened up there??  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@alliepally 140 characters would never do it justice. But I can try - RM  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@alliepally Once we tricked Beck into thinking he’d slept through the day and Mr. Overachiever nearly had a panic attack about missing his duties  
↓  
Allie @alliepally  
@aresiii omg……. Wait @christopherbeck did you get revenge on them  
↓  
Chris Beck @christopherbeck  
@alliepally @aresiii Well by “we” Rick means him and Mark and if by “revenge” you mean “threats of invasive medical procedures,” then yes  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
Anyone else wanna weigh in here? @alliepally - RM  
↓  
Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
@aresiii @alliepally How about that time I beat you 5 straight times at Call of Duty and you had to run off your anger on the treadmill  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@bjohanssen @aresiii @alliepally DAMN RICK DO YOU NEED SOME BUTTER FOR THAT BURN

Ben Quinn @benjaquinn  
@aresiii do you guys get to keep up with sports up there?  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@benjaquinn The good folks at NASA send us scores of teams we follow. They also did us a solid and uploaded the last Super Bowl - CB  
↓  
Rick Martinez @MJRMARTINEZ  
@aresiii @benjaquinn Yeah which the Patriots won and then Beck was unbearable for the next 72 hours  
↓  
Chris Beck @christopherbeck  
@MJRMARTINEZ @aresiii @benjaquinn Proud, dude. Proud 

Daniel Cruz @dcruzzz  
@aresiii I’m assuming you’re all nerds since you’re astronauts but who’s the biggest nerd?  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@dcruzzz Definitely @bjohanssen -CB  
↓  
Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
@aresiii @dcruzzz excuse you, christopher 

Taylor @loser4ever  
@astrovogel what’s it like going to space with 5 Americans?  
↓  
Alex Vogel @astrovogel  
@loser4ever It is… very American. Also, I do not think you are a loser, Taylor  
↓  
Taylor @loser4ever  
ALEX VOGEL THINKS I'M NOT A LOSER @astrovogel

#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
@mwatney how long have you wanted to be an astronaut?  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@jessiefalco I definitely dreamed of it as a kid but didn’t think it would happen. After my PhD I started considering it as a real possibility  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@jessiefalco Also, I have a defense squad?  
↓  
#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
@mwatney HAHAHA mark the internet loves you!!! We protect you from trolls. Go to the hashtag #watneydefensesquad  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@jessiefalco got it. My eternal thanks 

Brandon @brando516  
@mwatney can you give johanssen my number  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@brando516 That I absolutely cannot do 

Regan Schmidt @reganschmiddy  
@aresiii How can I become an astronaut??????  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@reganschmiddy Study hard, show up to class. Wave at the sky sometimes - CB 

Emily Evans @emevvvs  
@cmdrmlewis What does a typical day on the hermes look like for you?  
↓  
Melissa Lewis @cmdrmlewis  
@emevvvs Wake up, treadmill, breakfast, morning brief, all systems check, whatever duties are assigned that day, evening brief, free time, bed  
↓  
Emily Evans @emevvvs  
@cmdrmlewis Does that get monotonous?  
↓  
Melissa Lewis @cmdrmlewis  
@emevvvs It can, but duties can be totally different every day. New experiment results to see, new problems to fix, etc. Makes things interesting!

dat boi, resurrected @zoelynn_  
@mwatney Mark how do you feel about the fact that my bio class named our classroom rat after you  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@zoelynn_ Honored, I think. Also incredible username. I remember dat boi 

Wes Mitchell @wesmitch_  
@aresiii Not to get all deep, but like … what do you do after you’ve gone to Mars?  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@wesmitch_ GREAT QUESTION WES! I’ll let ya know when I find out - RM 

Ezra Koenig @arzE  
@mwatney how many existential crises does 1 have per day in space ? asking 4 a friend  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@arzE Too many to count!  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@arzE Also, we listened to the 5th VW album straight thru up here the other day! You made it to space  
↓  
Ezra Koenig @arzE  
@mwatney wow ! about 2 have my own existential crisis bc of this ! 

David Paige @dav_paige  
@christopherbeck I’m super interested in human health in space. Not to be a downer but what’s the biggest threat you face from being up there so long?  
↓  
Chris Beck @christopherbeck  
@dav_paige You & me both. Definitely radiation exposure. We’re protected by the ship but it wasn’t exactly tested for a mission of this length  
↓  
David Paige @dav_paige  
@christopherbeck That’s what I assumed. Will you be studying all your data when you return? I’m so curious about the findings  
↓  
Chris Beck @christopherbeck  
@dav_paige Absolutely. Already started a bit now. I think my next few years will revolve around making sense of all this data. Can’t wait 

julie @jujubean  
@aresiii where are you guys right now? Like on the ship. Don’t say space I know you’re in space  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@jujubean we’re all using our laptops in the rec, which is where we have our kitchen and couches. Basically where we hang out the most. - beth

Austin Warner @ausner1  
@aresiii What do you miss the most about Earth?  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@ausner1 My kiddo and my wife. - RM 

sarah @sarahndipity  
@astrovogel You’re a chemist, right? I’m doing my ochem homework right now and could really use some motivation  
↓  
Alex Vogel @astrovogel  
@sarahndipity Ah one of my favorites! How is this: If you do well, maybe you will come to space one day 

dana @danainspace  
@bjohanssen do you guys get to celebrate birthdays/holidays up there??  
↓  
Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
@danainspace we do! We all eat dinner together on birthdays & hang up a little banner we have. We have a few xmas decorations too

kelsey f. @kelseeyalater  
@mwatney i’m eating a baked potato rn  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@kelseeyalater You know that “fish are friends, not food” line from Finding Nemo? I think I’ll use that mantra for the rest of my life, except w/ potatoes 

ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
Astronaut Mark Watney Quotes Finding Nemo In Twitter Q&A: More At 10  
↓  
#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
@sixdorksinspace i can’t with him  
↓  
ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
@jessiefalco same 

Francesca @frankiedubs  
@christopherbeck Who’s your favorite member of your crew? Or can you not have a favorite  
↓  
Chris Beck @christopherbeck  
@frankiedubs Oh I definitely have a favorite  
↓  
ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
@christopherbeck @frankiedubs ………….. 

Delaney D. @duhhhlaney  
@aresiii WHAT’S EVERYONE’S FAVORITE MEMBER OF 1D. GO  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@duhhhlaney so passionate! Mine is Niall, Lewis says Liam, Martinez says Zayn, Watney and Chris say Harry, Vogel looks confused -beth 

ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
“vogel looks confused” my sweet innocent german son 

julie @jujubean  
@christopherbeck no offense but it shouldn't be legal for you to be an astronaut and also that attractive  
↓  
Chris Beck @christopherbeck  
@jujubean Thanks? I think 

Ramona Rutherford @ramonerford  
@aresiii What’s going to be the first thing you eat when you get home?  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@ramonerford Probably just the biggest fresh salad I can find. - ML 

dat boi, resurrected @zoelynn_  
@aresiii it’s blowing my mind that you’re all tweeting from space rn  
↓  
Ares III @aresiii  
@zoelynn_ To be perfectly honest it’s blowing my mind that we’re STILL IN FREAKING SPACE right now - RM 

LEXIE @lexluuuthor  
@bjohanssen use one word to describe each of your crewmates  
↓  
Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
@lexluuuthor Martinez: loud  
Lewis: amazing  
Vogel: focused  
Watney: amusing  
Beck: nerd  
↓  
LEXIE @lexluuuthor  
@bjohanssen OMFG thank you for answering! now what’s your favorite thing about each of them?  
↓  
Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
@lexluuuthor oh boy. Martinez: always joking but cares deeply. Lewis: just the most incredible leader. Vogel: logical, our own personal Spock  
↓  
Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
@lexluuuthor Watney: my favorite thing is that he’s alive tbh. Beck: NERD.  
↓  
julie @jujubean  
@bjohanssen So what I’m gathering from this is that Beck is a nerd  
↓  
Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
@jujubean that is absolutely correct 

ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
so between johanssen calling beck a nerd twice and “excuse you christopher” is it ok if i walk away from this shipping them  
↓  
#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
@sixdorksinspace i’m gonna go with yes

### Three months later | February 1, 2038

NASA NEWS (unofficial) @nasafanupdates  
Ares III astronauts Chris Beck and Beth Johanssen seen holding hands side stage at @TheTodayShow set in NYC. #spacegossip  
↓  
ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
@nasafanupdates WHAT????????@#?$@?#$?!#$  
↓  
#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
@nasafanupdates WAIT WHAT OH MY GOD  
↓  
julie @jujubean  
@nasafanupdates excuse me WHAT 

NASA NEWS (unofficial) @nasafanupdates  
Update: Ares III astronauts Chris Beck and Beth Johanssen spotted flying out of JFK Airport Terminal 5 late tonight.  
↓  
ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
@nasafanupdates i’m gonna hyperventilate what does this all mean  
↓  
NASA NEWS (unofficial) @nasafanupdates  
@sixdorksinspace (non-formal update reaction): *SQUEEEEEEEEE* 

#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
IF BECK & JOHANSSEN ARE TOGETHER I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!!!!! 

ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
omfg is this real @NASA please spill 

ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
@mwatney mark what’s going on are beck and johanssen a thing???  
↓  
Mark Watney @mwatney  
@sixdorksinspace What do I look like, TMZ??!! 

#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
MARK WHAT DOES THAT MEAN  
↓  
ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
@jessiefalco OMG I KNOW HE SUCKS  
↓  
#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
@sixdorksinspace he totally knows too i hate this 

julie @jujubean  
@bjohanssen @christopherbeck you cannot leave us hanging like this  
↓  
#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
@jujubean @bjohanssen @christopherbeck prob will not sleep at night until this is confirmed or denied  
↓  
julie @jujubean  
@jessiefalco S A M E

### Two weeks later | February 14, 2038

Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
Happy ♥s day to this dork who has mine #isthistheconfirmationyouwanted #sheesh  
[posted with a picture of her and Beck on a beachside hammock]  
↓  
ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
@bjohanssen OHHHHH MY GODDDDDD  
↓  
#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
@bjohanssen @sixdorksinspace I AM SCREAMING  
↓  
kelsey f. @kelseeyalater  
@bjohanssen no way!  
↓  
LEXIE @lexluuuthor  
@bjohassen wait WHAT !!!  
↓  
julie @jujubean  
@bjohanssen god bless america 

#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
OH MY FUCKIGN GOD  
↓  
#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
LOOK AT THEM IM FUCKING SCREAMING THEYRE P E R F E C T  
↓  
ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
@jessiefalco JESS I’M SO HAPPY THIS IS INCREDIBLE 

#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
A WILD BETH JOHANSSEN APPEARS ONLINE AND JUST COMPLETELY DESTROYS US ALL 

NASA NEWS (unofficial) @nasafanupdates  
And there you have it. *flailing*

> Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
>  Happy ♥s day to this dork who has mine #isthistheconfirmationyouwanted #sheesh  
>  [posted with a picture of her and Beck on a beachside hammock]

  
julie @jujubean  
beck RTd her tweet with a smiley emoji i’m going to die

kelsey f. @kelseeyalater  
So just wondering when I’m going to find the @christopherbeck to my @bjohanssen  
[RTd 63 times] 

Brandon @brando516  
@christopherbeck you lucky son of a bitch 

julie @jujubean  
but guys do you think this happened once they got back or like… before… when they were… you know… in space  
↓  
ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
@jujubean julie  
↓  
#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
@jujubean JULIE  
↓  
julie @jujubean  
@sixdorksinspace @jessiefalco WHAT IT’S A VALID QUESTION 

Rick Martinez @MJRMARTINEZ  
Yeah baby!

> Beth Johanssen @bjohanssen  
>  Happy ♥s day to this dork who has mine #isthistheconfirmationyouwanted #sheesh  
>  [posted with a picture of her and Beck on a beachside hammock]

  
↓  
#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
OMG @MJRMARTINEZ SHIPS IT 

ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
okay so they were at a thing in houston yesterday but they must’ve flown to a beach that day they were seen at the airport?? that’s what i’m choosing to believe  
↓  
julie @jujubean  
@sixdorksinspace omg i hope that’s what they did they deserve it 

kelsey f. @kelseeyalater  
Beth Johanssen is a queen and CHRISTOPHER BECK BETTER KNOW IT 

#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
But like I’m so emotional about this they went to SPACE!!!!!! together and now they’re together together and like :’’’’) 

ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
wait omg i just remembered something 

ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
IN LIGHT OF THIS NEWS THAT BECK AND JOHANSSEN ARE ACTUALLY TOGETHER I PRESENT YOU WITH THIS FROM 3 MONTHS AGO BYE

> Francesca @frankiedubs  
>  @christopherbeck Who’s your favorite member of your crew? Or can you not have a favorite  
>  ↓  
>  Chris Beck @christopherbeck  
>  @frankiedubs Oh I definitely have a favorite

  
↓  
#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
@sixdorksinspace OH! MY! GOD! I FORGOT ABOUT THIS  
↓  
julie @jujubean  
@sixdorksinspace @jessiefalco SEE WHAT I MEAN WERE THEY TOGETHER OR DID HE JUST HAVE A CRUSH ON HER OR SOMETHING  
↓  
#watneydefensesquad @jessiefalco  
@jujubean @sixdorksinspace why do i feel like we will never know 

ares iii stan @sixdorksinspace  
UM @christopherbeck SO THIS MAKES A LOT MORE SENSE NOW

> Francesca @frankiedubs  
>  @christopherbeck Who’s your favorite member of your crew? Or can you not have a favorite  
>  ↓  
>  Chris Beck @christopherbeck  
>  @frankiedubs Oh I definitely have a favorite

  
↓  
Chris Beck @christopherbeck  
@sixdorksinspace :)

**Author's Note:**

> Making up fake Twitter names and handles is more time-consuming than you'd think. 
> 
> On that note, let's play "which fake Twitter user are you?" 
> 
> I would def be "julie" aka jujubean. 
> 
> WHICH TWEET IS YOUR FAVE?


End file.
